Today, I am feeling frazzled. I find myself feeling the way so many other mothers feel; like I just don't have the time.
There are many things that I miss about my childless days that I no longer have the time to do. Sounds terrible, but it's true. I miss being able to watch TV and being caught up on my favorite shows. I don't even bother trying anymore. I just watch old reruns of my favorites, like NCIS, Seinfeld, and The Big Bang Theory. That way, if it gets interrupted by a crying baby, no harm done since I already know the ending.
I miss reading. I love to read. Books, magazines, gossip sites, you name it. I just don't have the time anymore. I do get some free time after Sabrina goes to bed, but by that point I'm too tired to really concentrate on something I am reading.
I miss baking too. I am no Susie Homemaker, but I do enjoy baking for my family or my coworkers on the weekends. I make a mean pumpkin bread, and I try to take after my mother when making Christmas Cookies. I was able to bake some zucchini bread this past weekend, and it felt GREAT.
I absolutely love being a mother. I wouldn't trade it for all the free time in the world. But it seems to me that many mothers feel like they just have to abandon their own hobbies and interests the minute they have children, and on top of it they aren't supposed to care. I don't subscribe to that theory. I was a person before I became a mother. I still am that person, just a different version of her. So I know that for awhile, I have to give up some of the things that I liked to do before. I have to give whatever time I have to Sabrina. And I'm okay with that, because I know that someday (maybe when she's 18) I will be able to watch NCIS again (the new ones!) or watch a new TV series with my hubby.
Today, I am also feeling the crunch of trying to find the time to meet and exceed the demands of my job and be a loving, devoted, non-distracted wife and mother. My days lately have been full of meetings, full of spreadsheets and issues and email after email. I make a point to leave work most everyday to go see Sabrina at lunch, but I must admit that I find myself looking at my work email occasionally and making sure there's nothing going on there. I hate doing that, like I'm somehow a bad mother for checking my email. But I feel like that's how I can leave everyday, because I'm just a quick email away.
I don't ever want Sabrina to feel negatively impacted by the fact that her mother works. I want her to know without a doubt that she is the most important thing and means far more to me than any job ever would. But the reality is that I am a working mom, who has a very busy, fast paced, demanding job, and in order to maintain that job I have to fulfill my responsibilities.
I have no answers. I have more questions than answers tonight. I hope I can do it all. I have to do it all, for my family. But tonight, that realization feels heavy sitting on top of my shoulders. And I'm just tired.
Luckily, tomorrow is another day.