But I'm Mommy...

The look of a mother's love...

I am one of the lucky ones. My little one is able to go to her Nana and Poppop's everyday instead of having to go to daycare. As a bonus, my hubby and I basically live in their backyard, so picking up and dropping off is very simple and convenient. To add icing to that cake, we work about 5 minutes from our house, so we are able to go home almost everyday at lunch to see her. 

Today I had a very short lunch, as I was coming from one meeting and on my way to the next. But I figured I'd still go see Sabrina, even if it was only for 20 minutes. We snuggled and were playing, and next thing I know, she was sitting at her Nana's feet, reaching for her. I then stooped to a new low by trying to bribe her with her bink to come back over to me. She giggled and sat at her Nana's feet. I distracted her again with a couple toys, and as the time was nearing for me to leave, she again crawled to her Nana and wanted to be held. I tried to pretend I didn't care, tried to act like it didn't bother me. I went back to work with a heavy heart. I know she spends all day with her Nana and I love that she loves her, but I'm mommy...  Why didn't she want me?

In her (my) defense, she was tired and ready for a nap. Nana usually puts her down for her naps. So it was totally logical for her to want Nana.  Right?  So why did I feel so rejected, so sad?

I tried to take a step back from my emotion, from my sadness, to look at it objectively. And then I realized that, even though it is perfectly normal for me to feel sad, I should also be happy and proud of my baby girl. I am a woman who is proud of her independence, and at the same time proud to have wonderful people in my life who I can depend on, who I can trust. Isn't that exactly what my Sabrina was doing when she wanted her Nana?  She knows that I am her mommy, of that I am sure. But she feels comfortable enough in her own (9 month old) skin and environment to trust others, to give and get love from those around her. To use a cheesy phrase, she doesn't put all her eggs in one basket. 

The emotional rollercoaster of being a mother is something that I struggle to deal with. I am doing my best to cope with the emotions, but I find myself reacting not only to my own emotions but to those of other mothers. Today my Facebook News Feed was full of first day of school pictures, many of the kids off to their first day of Preschool or Kindergarten. I have to admit, I had tears well up in my eyes several times seeing those special moments captured, knowing how happy yet sad all of those mothers (and fathers) must be feeling.  While reading fellow blogger and my blogging inspiration Kate Baer recount her son's first day of preschool, I myself imagined being in Kate's shoes, a few short years from now.  Time goes so fast now that I'm a mom, so I know that the first day of school will come far sooner than I am ready for.

As mothers, we are ecstatic at the milestones and achievements of our children.  We celebrate first teeth and first steps and first everything else.  Every birthday, every first day of school, every holiday, we smile and take pictures and document all of the memories.  But behind those smiles, I know that with each step forward that our little ones take, that our hearts not only rejoice but are filled with nostalgia and a bit of sadness too.  Because we know that time moves at warp speed and these moments are so fleeting.  

So in my own way, I am standing in solidarity with Kate and all those other moms whose babies achieved a new milestone today, whether it be walking or talking or going to their first day of school.  I experienced my own version of what I called joyful melancholy in a previous post, the happiness and sadness that washes over us at the same instant.  It gives me great solace to know that I am not alone, and that many other mothers in the blogosphere are feeling those same things.

Cheers to another first, and moms, you're going to be okay. We're going to be okay.

To read Kate's blog, go to http://www.kbaer.com.  You won't be sorry.

Love More, Worry Less

Picture belongs to Alex and Ani; I am reposting for the quote!

Seriously, I am in love with the  #motivationnation quotes from Alex and Ani.  (as well as their awesome bracelets!)  This popped up on my Facebook news feed yesterday, and it's been on my mind ever since.  These quotes often seem timed perfectly to send me a message, to point out something that I might not otherwise see or think or feel.  

I am a worrier by nature.  I get it from my dad.  I can and do worry with the best of them.  About things big and small.  I swear it's part of my DNA, no matter how I try to unprogram myself... I still worry.  A lot.

I have a fantastic life, one that is by and large free of struggles.  I have a wonderful husband, a daughter who I cannot imagine my life without, a great stepdaughter, the best parents that anyone could ever want.  And yet I still find myself in a constant state of worry.  And so I started to think yesterday, after reading this quote, why is that?  Why do I let myself worry, when it really doesn't do any good in the first place?

The things that I worry about have changed dramatically since becoming a mother.  My daughter brings out a whole new level of worry in me.  Add that to the regularly scheduled worries that accompany me in life, and now I have a broad range of concerns going through my head at any given moment.

Here is a sampling of my current list of worries, in no particular order:

-We let Sabrina watch a little TV each day and play FisherPrice apps on my iPad occasionally.  Am I rotting my baby's brain with screen time?  Am I a bad mother?

-The dog's fall allergies are getting worse.  She keeps scratching open sores on her face.  But I don't think I'll have time to take her to the vet this week, with work and getting ready for going away for the weekend and everything else going on.  Am I a bad mother?

-We have a 6 hour round trip drive to Pittsburgh and back this weekend.  How will I occupy Sabrina's time in the car?  (see worry number 1 about too much screen time)

-Sabrina finally has two teeth!  Is it me or are they crooked?  Crap, she's gonna need braces.

-Did I get my husband enough gifts for his birthday next week?  Do I have any wrapping paper at home?

-I went and bought fall clothes at the mall yesterday.  Went up ANOTHER size in dress pants.  *sigh*  I hate my body right now.

-Will I EVER have time to clean the inside of my car again?  There is so much dust and dog hair, it looks like a blanket of freshly fallen snow.

-Did I buy Sabrina the best kind of organic whole milk?  Did I do enough research on best brands of dairy products?

-Why are those damn squirrels eating my flowers?!  Do they think they are deer?  It's bad enough that they are littering our backyard with acorns and downed tree branches.

-When was the last time I vacuumed the carpet in the family room?  Sabrina probably ate a pound of dog hair this weekend.  

-Is it too soon to buy mums for fall?  Will they die while we are gone for the weekend?  Is there a better deal somewhere else?

-Where should we have Sabrina's first birthday party?  I don't want to rent a hall and I don't want a dive, but I don't want to pay a lot.  Is a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse theme okay, or should I just do a generic girly theme?  

-Sabrina says "dada" and "ball" but still no mama.  Does she hate me?

-When was the last time we ate out?  I miss eating out.

Obviously, some of these concerns are more serious than others, but this is a 100% accurate reflection of worries that I've felt sometime in the past few days.  Luckily, a very serious worry of mine has been relieved, at least for now, in that Sabrina's appointment with the pediatric ophthalmologist went great and he sees no cause for concern.  (yay!)

This quote encourages loving more and worrying less.  For me, the two are connected, for better or worse.  I worry because I love.  It is as simple as that.  I love my family, I love my daughter, I love my dog.  I want the absolute best for them.  Part of that is me worrying about them day and night, night and day.  I can't help it.  So I am not going to fight the worry.  I know I should worry less, but it's not who I am.  So instead, I am going to continue to love fiercely, with all of me.  And if I annoy anyone with my worry in the process, they will just have to forgive me and know that it is only because they are my whole world.

I hope everyone has a safe, happy, worry-free Labor Day.  Enjoy spending time with friends and family.  I will try to save my worries for another day and just enjoy this wonderful life of mine.  

Time to Brag- Featured in Huffington Post!

Forgive me for bragging, but I'm so excited and I just can't hide it!  (cue Jessie Spano!)

Huffington Post runs a column every Friday, called Blended Family Fridays.  I took my blog article on that topic and submitted it, and was chosen to be featured this week!  I'll copy and paste the article below, and link to the original.

This Stepmom Has Great Advice For Making A Connection With Your Stepkids

The Huffington Post  | By Brittany Wong

Posted: 08/29/2014 11:52 am EDT Updated: 1 hour ago

As part of our Blended Family Friday series, each week we spotlight a different stepfamily to learn how they successfully blended their two families. Our hope is that by telling their stories, we'll bring you closer to blended family bliss in your own life! Want to share your own story? Email us at divorce@huffingtonpost.com.

If there's one thing Christine Nestrick knows about step-parenting, it's that you can't force a relationship with your stepkids.

"There is no instruction manual for being a stepparent, but you do have to take things slow," she told us. "Rather than forcing a relationship or being over the top with my stepdaughter, I forced myself to let our relationship evolve naturally. After all, this was new to everyone. "

Below, Christine shares more step-parenting advice and explains how the birth of a second daughter brought her blended family even closer together.

Hi Christine! Want to introduce us to your family? 
There's four of us: me; my husband Chris; my 15-year-old stepdaughter Olivia; and our 9-month-old daughter Sabrina.

Chris and I met through happenstance at work. We became friends, and then as the days turned into weeks and eventually months, our friendship began to feel like something more. Six months or so later, we became engaged, on Christmas Eve 2012. We married in a small, but absolutely perfect wedding on July 6, 2013.

(Image courtesy of Christine Nestrick)

Tell us a little bit about your relationship with your stepdaughter Olivia. 
I first met Olivia in the summer of 2012. I had already met and became close with Chris’s family, but we wanted to wait until the time was perfect for me to meet Olivia. I remember having a nervous, queasy feeling in my stomach. She was only 13, and yet she scared me on a profound level. I knew that my relationship with her father would never work if she and I didn’t get along, and that thought was terrifying. I remember trying not to be nervous, trying to make polite conversation, trying not to say anything stupid.

We saw each other a lot that summer, at family gatherings, going out to dinner, mini-golf, things like that. Was everything effortless? No. Did it feel natural, like a family? Of course not. But we kept at it. We continued to spend time together, even when it felt a little awkward because we knew that was OK. The makings of a blended family does not happen overnight. It can't be forced. I did not try to be maternal with Olivia. She has a mother, who obviously isn’t me, and I was not looking to fill that role for her. Instead, I just tried to show an interest in her life, in her friends, in her activities. I tried to give my thoughts and opinions on things -- not to butt in, but just to simply show that I cared. At 13, and now at 15, she has the right to think her own thoughts and have her own feelings, outside of mine and even her father's. I was raised to be independent, and I hope to foster that in Olivia as well!

What are some of the biggest challenges of blended family life?
Making sure that there is enough time and attention devoted to every member of the family can be hard. Our family is very active and busy. Olivia is sophomore class president, on the varsity swim team, a competitive dancer, a flute player, a member of the show choir, part of her high school musical, and I’m sure I’m forgetting something. Chris and I both work full-time. And Sabrina is a 9-month-old who is crawling, almost walking, and getting into everything she’s not supposed to within 10 seconds of you looking in another direction.

Some nights Chris barely has enough time to say goodnight to Sabrina before he has to take Olivia somewhere or pick her up from somewhere. Our weekends are spent running errands, taking care of the house and the yard, doing laundry, and trying to find time to spend together in between. It is a huge challenge, one that leaves us exhausted most days. We love every minute of it, but it is a huge challenge.

Given all that, how do you deal with stress at home? 
We talk. Even if it’s an uncomfortable conversation, we talk. Sometimes it might just be Chris and Olivia having a heart to heart, or Chris and I might have to have an adult discussion on something that is going on, or sometimes it's all of us sitting at the dinner table, hashing things out while eating dinner. Sometimes we make a plan to deal with the stress, sometimes we know that all we can do is vent and move forward.

We just always try to be kind and patient with each other, even when we are stressed or tired. Some days we might fall a little short of our ideals, but we know that tomorrow will be a better day.

You mentioned that the birth of your daughter Sabrina has really helped bring the family together. Tell us more. 
Once I became pregnant, and even more so after she was born, it went from being Olivia and her dad and me to just "us." We all had a common bond now, a daughter and a sister to connect the dots. With Sabrina, our familial relationship became more effortless. We spent more time together, playing with Sabrina, taking walks... Everything just started to click. She was the puzzle piece that we didn't know was missing.

What advice do you have for fellow stepparents who are struggling to make a connection with their stepkids? 
My advice is twofold but related. Give it time, and hang in there. The best things in life take time, and this is so true of relationships with a stepparent or stepchild. Rather than being a parent or a child by blood, you are one out of circumstance, but that doesn’t mean that eventually your relationship won’t evolve into one that is just as strong as those by blood. It’s a totally different dynamic and it cannot and will not happen overnight, nor should it.

I think of it almost like a courtship. When dating, you take your time to get to know the other person, their likes and dislikes, what is important to them, who they really are. Things might start casually, but as time goes by, things likely get more serious, as more time is spent together. It is the same with building a relationship with your stepchild (or stepparent). And if you have a bad day, take a deep breath, and start over tomorrow. It doesn’t mean that the world is unraveling, it just means it was a bad day. We all have them. Hang in there.

• Shalyn, Bridgeville, Pennsylvania
• Prestige Portraits

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http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/29/blended-family_n_5732076.html 

My Feelings Matter. I Matter.

Photo from www.slideshare.net 

Today has been a rough day for me.  I got very little sleep last night.  Up at 11 to pee, up at 12 to put the dog to bed (no joke, most nights she comes in to get me to take her to her bed to tuck her in), up at 12:30 to take her out, up at 2 to feed Sabrina, up at 3 with the dog having a seizure.  Up at 6:30 for the day.

This morning, Sabrina had her 9 month well-child visit.  No shots for the 9 month appointment, so what could go wrong??  Try EVERYTHING.  She basically cried from the minute the nurse came in until we were walking out of the building.  I became sick in the middle of the appointment and had to go sit on the floor in the cold bathroom until I felt better.  (Long story that I don't want to share, sorry, some things even I don't want to talk about, other than I AM NOT PREGNANT!)  Worst of all, we found out via the "Cover Test" that both of Sabrina's eyes are pointing inwards and that she needs a referral to a pediatric ophthalmologist.  My mom had mentioned a couple weeks ago that she wanted me to talk to the doctor about Sabrina's eyes but I had never before saw what she was talking about, and really only notice it in pictures.  So I was a bit in denial, hoping that it was nothing.  Apparently it's more than nothing.

So back to work I went after her appointment, feeling queasy and like someone had punched me in the gut.  I talked to a few people about what was going on, and I kept hearing the same thing over and over again:  "It could be worse."  Yes, I know it could be worse.  It could be much worse.  One thing about the internet is it puts people and situations far worse than yours right in front of your eyes.  There are several pages that I like on Facebook that follow the stories of kids with cancer or chronic seizures or other debilitating conditions.  The Ice Bucket Challenge is everywhere, bringing to light conditions such as ALS.  Without a doubt, our situation is not grave, is treatable, and is certainly not life threatening.

But I am Sabrina's mother.  She is my only baby.  Am I not allowed to feel some amount of sadness for my child and for myself?  This is the first issue that we've really faced with Sabrina, other than "typical" things like jaundice and acid reflux.  I myself have had glasses since early elementary school.  Chris also has glasses.  So why do I feel this horrible sense of sadness and devastation over something that is certainly not devastating to the logical mind?

Because she is my baby.  Because she sat screaming in that office this morning, breaking my heart in two to the point where I felt physically ill.  Because she matters, and in the same way, I matter.  My feelings matter.  I know people only meant well by saying that it could be worse.  But in trying to possibly put a positive spin on something negative, they inadvertently made me feel worse, because I felt as though my feelings were inconsequential because someone out there is going through something far worse than I am.  

So many times, we unintentionally dismiss other people's feelings because we or someone we know may be going through something similar or worse.  It is human nature to try to relate your feelings or experiences to others.  But the unintended result of doing so could be making the other person feel as though their feelings aren't important or valid.  I think as mothers we do this to each other far too often. 

And we do this to ourselves. We are so busy worrying about what others are thinking and feeling that we forget that our own thoughts and feelings matter a great deal as well. During our days filled with long workdays or keeping the kids entertained, filled with being a mommy taxi service or sending e-mail after e-mail in which it feels like you're talking to yourself, we do not acknowledge our own feelings, nor do we talk about them enough. But sometimes that exactly what we need to do. We need to talk, to vent, to make our feelings known.  Whether that is through coffee with a trusted friend, talking to your mom, or seeing a therapist, we should all be aware of and acknowledge our own feelings more. Start a blog, write a journal, join a moms group, talk to someone at your church or place of worship. As mothers, we need to build each other up. We may not share the same feelings or views on things, but we need to create a culture of motherhood where we matter.

I am still inconsolable about Sabrina's possible vision issues. Luckily she goes go the specialist on Friday, so hopefully we will get some answers soon. And even though I acknowledge wholeheartedly that it could be worse, I know that it's okay for me to be upset.  I love my daughter and I want what is best for her, as we all do with our children. So I am going to give in to the sadness and hope for the best. 

If you encounter someone who is saddened or upset about something that is happening to them, empower them to go with their feelings and encourage them that tomorrow is another day, hopefully a better one. 

My Furry Baby

Baby and Mommy on our wedding day

Long before I was mommy to Sabrina, I was a doggy mommy. Baby is and always will be my first "child". She and I have been through so much together in the last 3 and a half years. Through broken relationships, through several moves, through 2 jobs, through dating and marriage and new babies, my Baby has been by my side. 

Growing up, my house was a no dog house. My parents didn't want the responsibility and they knew how hard it would be when the dog would inevitably age and hard decisions would have to be made. So why, at the age of 27, I decided that I HAD to have a dog, I'll never really know. But I made up my mind and that was that. I knew I wanted to rescue a dog, so I started doing some internet searching. That was when I came across Baby's shelter posting. She was abused and neglected and her "owner" (if you can even call the scum that) surrendered her, assuming after some kind soul called the humane society to report her owners. She was shy and scared. The first time I saw her, she sat next to me and put one paw on my leg, as if to say that she was mine. That sealed the deal forever. 

To say I love that dog would be an understatement. The joy that she had brought me, the companionship, the overwhelming and unselfish love that she gives to me was something I never ever expected. She also taught me how to be a mother. She taught me responsibility, like vet appointments and not being away from home for hours on end because she was home waiting for me. She taught me what it felt like to get up in the middle of the night to tend to someone else's needs. She toughened me up when it came to gross things like poop and pee and puke. She broke my heart with every seizure that she's had since she came into my life. I have felt every emotion you can imagine when it comes to my dog, and now I get to feel all those things (and more) with Sabrina.

It hasn't all been sunshine and roses. Adopting a rescue who has been abused has it's definite drawbacks. Baby started her life with me scared and quiet. But now she has found her "voice". She barks at passers by, especially the dreaded mailman. She knows her "pack" and loves us dearly. But she also has an aggression issue when it comes to strangers. Last year, my worst fears were realized when she bit our teenage niece. I can honestly say that it was one of the absolute worst days of my life. I cried for hours and hours and hours. My Baby is such a sweet, loving dog. But outside of our family and my parents, she is fearful and she acts out with aggression when she is scared. We know now to keep strangers away, but it presents huge challenges every single day. I am at a loss for how to handle it, and it absolutely breaks my heart. I need to have her see a trainer, which I've put off for too long, but can someone really undo all the damage to her, none of which is really her fault?  I don't know. I am skeptical.  But I want her to get better and I want to help her like she's helped me. 

During the darkest days of my postpartum depression, I'd lay awake in the middle of the night on the couch, Sabrina sleeping (or not sleeping..  Lol) in the rock and play next to me. And as if she could read my mind, Baby would always snuggle up next to me on the couch, and there we would sleep, together. Not the most comfortable of sleeping arrangements, considering she is about 60 pounds with long legs and killer claws, but I didn't care. I needed the comfort, and she provided that just by being there. 

This was our sleeping arrangement.  Comfy.

I will go to the ends of the earth for my dog, because I know that is exactly what she would do for me. I love her for everything that she has meant to me, for being by my side through some of my worst days as well as some of my best.  She is a part of me, an extension of my soul. So today might be National Dog Day, but quite honestly that's everyday in this house. I love you Baby, and there'll be a special dish of Frosty Paws for you for dessert later.