Why I'm In No Hurry for Baby #2

My daughter is nearly 1 year old now.  She is the light of my life and I could never fully explain the joy that she brings me.  I am happily planning her first birthday party, enjoying this new phase of her being more independent, more toddler like.

But guess what?  I'm exhausted.  Not like "lack of sleep" exhausted (things have been getting better in that regard), but rather exhausted from the busyness of life with a 1 year old.  In addition to my mommy responsibilities, I work full time, which mostly entails me running from one meeting to another, sometimes in a different building altogether, answering endless emails, and just generally running around like a chicken with my head cut off.  

So when people ask me "So when are you guys having another one?" I do my best not to either laugh hysterically or smack them in the back of the head (a la Leroy Jethro Gibbs on NCIS).  Do not get me wrong, I want to have another child.  My husband would do it tomorrow if I were on board.  But quite honestly,  I'm just not there yet.

There are many reasons why I'm in no hurry for Baby # 2.  Baby # 2 for me is child # 3 for our family, since Chris has a 15 year old daughter from his first marriage.  As I've written about before, life with a teenager and a toddler has its challenges.  Chris's daughter is with us full time now, so that means we are responsible for most of the transportation that goes along with having an involved, intelligent, responsible teenage daughter.  Swim practice every day, religious education every Sunday, outings with friends, high school football games, swim meets... The list goes on and on.  Factor into this equation having a toddler, one who gets cranky in the late afternoon and goes to bed by 6:30 every night like clockwork.  Bedtime every night is a three ring circus of my husband and myself giving her a bath, drying her, brushing and combing her hair, putting her PJ's on, and finally putting her in her sleep sack, all the while trying to keep her shrieking to a minimum (bath time is okay, everything else is torture) and praying that she will lay on the changing table long enough to get her diaper on before she starts flipping over, grabbing for us to hold her, etc.  By the time she goes into her crib at 6:30, we are exhausted!

Selfishly on my part, I also want more time with just my Sabrina.  I want to shower her with love and attention and let her continue to be the center of my world.  She is getting to such a fun age, one where we can really start doing things with her more, taking her places and allowing her to begin to explore the world beyond her house and her Nana's.  We plan to take her to Disney World next October, when she will be almost 2, which I am absolutely ecstatic about and cannot wait for.  I want to give her that time, with just us and her grandparents, to feel like she is the center of it all.. because she is!

Recently Buckingham Palace announced that Duchess Kate is expecting again.  Kate and I were pregnant at the same time for our first pregnancies; Prince Georgie was born in July, Sabrina in November.  It was really neat to watch her pregnancy unfold in the press, all the while my own pregnancy was unfolding.  But when I heard that she was pregnant again, my knee jerk reaction was "What was she thinking?!"  Then I remembered that she is a Duchess, has a staff likely at her disposal, although I do think she is a very involved mother to her son.. and then I realized why she would want to do it all again so soon.

Kate, you and I differ on this one.  I am so eternally grateful to have my daughter, to be a mother, and I can't imagine my life without her.  But I am not yet ready to do it all again. I did not love being pregnant the first time, and I anticipate that would not change with pregnancy number 2.  And I didn't even have morning sickness!  But the constant exhaustion, the GI issues, the shortness of breath, the muscle weakness...  While some people glow and love every minute of it, for me it was a means to an end.  (A wonderful, lively, smart, strong-willed end that I love with all my heart.)

But more than any of that, I am terrified of having postpartum depression again.  I haven't yet researched statistics on the re-occurrence of postpartum depression with baby # 2 when the mother had it with baby # 1.  I don't want to know, quite honestly.  I am so scared that I will bring another life into this world, and spend the first months of his or her life falling down the rabbit hole of depression yet again.  Because this time, I wouldn't only be affecting one child, but two.  It was hard enough to get through the first time, but I can't even imagine how hard it would be with two children to care for instead of one.

One thing I know for sure, that I'm sure people will judge me for, is that I will not even attempt breastfeeding with baby # 2, whenever the time comes.  I can't do it again.  I can't face the pain, the exhaustion, the uncertainty, the waiting...  I can't face hooking myself up to a breast pump, I can't face taking on the sole responsibility of providing food for my child.  I just can't do it.  I don't think breastfeeding caused my postpartum depression, but I think it sure as heck didn't help anything.  I was exhausted, beating myself up for my lack of success with breastfeeding, my baby was miserable and hungry... it just was a recipe for disaster.  I can't put myself in a potentially harmful situation again.  While I agree that breastfeeding is absolutely best, for me it's just not worth the risks.

So I'm going to take my time and enjoy life with my darling daughter for awhile longer, before we give her a brother or sister to love.  (And fight with.)  I know that when the time is right, Baby # 2 will come into our world and we won't remember what life was like without them.  I look forward to that day, but for now, I'm happy with life the way it is.

The Tie that Binds: Our (Blended) Family

I read an article recently about step parenting and blended families. The author did not like the term "blended" and said that she chose to think of her family as a "frappuccino" family, because they are meant to be blended and taste great. I love this concept and it has been on my mind ever since. 

Chris and I moved in together in late September of 2012 and got married in July of 2013. Thus, our own "frappuccino" family was formed. It feels like a long time ago now, but I remember those early, awkward, anything but blended days. 

The first time I met Olivia was when our niece was born, at the hospital. We said hello and exchanged pleasantries but I know it was a bit uncomfortable for us both. I knew Chris loved his daughter more than life itself, and our relationship would never work if we couldn't find a way to get along. Rather than forcing a relationship or being over the top, I forced myself to try to take things slowly and let our relationship evolve. After all, this was new to everyone. 

When we got married, rather than lighting a unity candle, we did unity sand. The idea being that even though the colors of sand are individual, once they are poured together you cannot separate one from the other. Just as it would be with our new family. I did this idea because it was different and symbolic, but a little more than a year later, I can say how honestly true it is. 

Our little ray of sunshine, Sabrina, has truly been the tie that has forever bound our "blended" family together. Once I became pregnant, and even more so after she was born, it went from being Olivia and her dad and me to just "us". We all had a common bond now, a daughter and a sister to connect the dots. With Sabrina, our familial relationship became more effortless. We spent more time together, playing with Sabrina, taking walks...  Everything just started to click. 

Being a stepparent can be challenging at times. I've never thought of myself as Olivia's mother. After all, she was already a teenager when we met. I think of myself more as an aunt like figure- still an adult, still with responsibilities, but not the same as a mother. I don't always know exactly how I should handle step parenting situations, and I'm sure I've made my share of mistakes. There is no instruction manual for being a parent, and that definitely includes being a stepparent. 

So our blended family continues to evolve as time goes by. Each day and each new situation presents itself with challenges, which we face together. We have no secret recipe. Most of our discussions are at the dinner table during our nightly sit down dinners.  We don't solve the worlds problems, but we do take the time to talk about things as a family unit. (Sabrina's contribution is usually whining for more snacks and "dada".)  

I can't imagine our "blended" family without Sabrina. She was the puzzle piece that we didn't know was missing. We love to chase her around the room crawling, read books, eat play food, whatever activity she is interested that day. But the key is, we do it together. We make it a point to spend time together, if not everyday then most days. No magic potions, no secrets, just love and commitment to each other and to our blended "frappuccino" family. 

Frappuccino family concept originally from Brittany Wong- http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5618866