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| One of my hated "chubby" pictures. |
I recently went to my gynecologist for some routine tests and an exam. As with every visit, they checked my weight and other vitals. For the first time, my weight started with the numbers 14... I can't tell you my exact weight, because at that point I passed out. Never in my life have I weighed this much. Except in my 3rd trimester of my pregnancy.
In my defense, their scale is notoriously high, or as I call it, "mean". I try to make it a rule not to weigh myself at home. I don't have a scale in our bathroom so I don't become obsessed with the number on the scale.
However, I am currently the healthiest I have been in my adult life. I eat fruits and veggies more than ever before (still not enough, but who can really eat that stuff that often?), I drink coffee (cream only), unsweetened iced tea, milk, and water. That's it. I don't binge on junk food or sweets. We take Sabrina and the dog for walks daily. I am not especially active, and I do have a sedentary job, but walking has always been enough to maintain a weight I was comfortable with.
My wonderful husband constantly tells me how beautiful I am. And yet, I don't always see that when I look in the mirror. We had professional pictures taken for Sabrina's baptism, and I couldn't help but look at myself in the pictures and think that I looked "chubby". Something I've honestly never really thought about myself before.
I got close to my pre-baby weight while home on maternity leave. But that was also a time in my life where I was depressed, didn't have a normal appetite, and honestly didn't have time to eat much of the time that I was home alone with Sabrina. But after I went back to work and actually had time to sit at my desk and eat, I noticed my weight starting to creep back up. Even though I didn't weigh a lot more than I did pre-pregnancy, I had to go up 2 sizes in pants due to my midsection getting wider.
I don't consider myself to be a vain person. I have no problems leaving the house in my sweats with no makeup on. But, I am really having a problem with this weight gain. I don't want Sabrina to grow up with a mother who is constantly worried about her appearance. I don't want her to have those thoughts ever, because she is beautiful inside and out. But I know she will, like all girls do at some point. So I have to find some way to be okay with my weight now.
I know I could do all the fad diets and crazy workouts (I'm looking at you Paleo and P90X) but honestly, I don't want to. I want to spend my time with my family, not working out, something I DESPISE. I want to indulge in my favorite treats (hello ice cream!) occasionally without feeling like I'm cheating someone or something.
So I guess I will consider myself a work in progress for now. I will continue to eat healthy and will try to find more time for taking walks. Hopefully with time I will accept myself and realize that the only person worried about my weight is me.
Hi Christine,
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog via Reddit, and I've really enjoyed what I've read -- about you and the blog posts!
As a stranger just happening to stumble upon your blog, I don't feel I have any right to impart advice on this issue, but I do want you know that this stranger thinks that you as a mother are beautiful inside and out (similar to your mentions on the way you feel about your lovely baby daughter). My mother is almost fifty, and I have never seen her as anyone but the woman who gave birth to me, who raised me, who fed me, and who showed me that regardless of anything that happens in my life, there will always be one person who will tell me that she loves me. That singular power you and other mothers hold over children does not erode or disappear regardless of wrinkles, stretch marks, or pants sizes. To us, you mothers are forever angelic!
Of course, body image is something many of us (even the ones most of us would deem to be "objectively beautiful") struggle with on a daily basis -- so you're not alone, and these doubts and worries happen to us as well. I think it says a wonderful lot about when you mentioned how often your husband finds you beautiful, and I am sure your daughter in due time will feel the same way... if not already!
Cheers,
Hans
Thank you for your comment Hans! I wish more people would comment on my blog. I enjoy hearing from others and love to know that people are actually reading what I have to say :) Your words are very kind and I appreciate them more than you know. I will check out your blog as soon as I am able! Thanks again.
ReplyDeletePeople never comment as much as I would like them to, but I think that it makes it that much more special when someone takes the time out of his or her day to leave a comment on something I wrote. Keep writing for others, keep writing for yourself, and most importantly, just keep writing!
ReplyDeleteCheers,
Hans